My husband and I fight. No big secret there. First, of all we’re married. So that we don’t always get along goes without saying. Secondly, I think he tweets about every fight we have, so that we fight I’m sure comes as no surprise to anyone reading this since most of you follow him on twitter and facebook. My best friend and I fight as well though. And so do me and my children.
Our married couples group is reading Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge. Last night’s chapter was on how to have a really good fight. The premise of the chapter was that we spend so much time fighting the wrong battles and the wrong person in our marriage/lives. Most of us, especially Christians, fail to remember that we have a common enemy, and it is not each other. When I’m angry with Shaun and give into the anger, I’m really giving in to the enemy of our souls. The enemy of our souls is also the enemy of our marriages, our friendships, our family relationships, and our relationships with fellow believers.
The battles we fight-over time, money, kids, etc. are only the surface. At work underneath all that threatens to tear us apart is the hand of the enemy. He is the only real and true enemy we face.
This was such an eye opening realization for me! I often treat my husband like he is the enemy. And I’ve made certain “agreements” with the enemy about our marriage. These agreements are lies (because Satan is a liar). I play these agreements over and over again in my mind internalizing them and reacting based on these thoughts that are not of God. I will be transparent and tell some of the agreements I’ve made in my marriage.
I’ve agreed with the enemy that:
***Shaun is too busy to actively care about me or his children
***We got married too young; I didn’t have time to find myself first
***We married for the wrong reasons (I was 3 months pregnant)
***Our marriage will end in divorce once we’re empty nesters because we’ll have grown apart
What awful thoughts! I never thought about what an unhealthy dialogue I was having with myself about my husband and our marriage. And this is in a so-called “good” marriage. So many people think our marriage is the model of bliss. I’ve had to caution many young women who have professed to me that they want what I have. Allowing them to pine for my life will set them up for great disappointment. It’s tough (like all of our lives). And even when you love someone as passionately as Shaun and I love one another, the enemy still creeps in and seeks to destroy our relationship.
This is because he knows how significant our marriage is to the God’s kingdom and the work that He has for us to do in the earth.
If you find yourself constantly at odds with someone in your life, I challenge you to consider who the real enemy is and why that enemy is trying so hard to come between you and that person. It could be your spouse. Or it could be your best friend, your mother, father, sibling, etc. What agreements have you made with Satan about that person and your relationship? Silence the enemy’s lies and instead embrace the truth. This is what I instead believe about my husband and our marriage:
I KNOW it’s TRUE that:
***Shaun has a heavy call on his life, but he loves me and his children deeply. He shows it in his care for us and his constant presence in our home. He is a tender and attentive father to Ezekiel and Savannah, and just needs a few gentle reminders when he becomes disconnected from me or the older girls 😉
***God knew His plans for us before we were even created. He knew the desires of my heart, because He gave them to me. Any “finding” myself apart from God’s plan would not have been a finding of my true self anyway! I have to find the courage to pursue my heart’s desires, and Shaun will undoubtedly be supportive.
***God used that child I was carrying to bring Shaun and I into right relationship with Him. We married WHEN we did b/c I was pregnant. But our love for one another existed before that and was only made stronger by us committing ourselves to marriage before Him. Our marriage was planned and ordained by God. Period!
***We will die married to one another. We will stay connected because we have a common vision, a common purpose in the earth that requires both of us together. We won’t let anything deter us from the vision God has for our marriage.
Pray and ask God to show you the real enemy in your relationships and what agreements you’ve made with him!