My husband and I fight. No big secret there. First, of all we’re married. So that we don’t always get along goes without saying. Secondly, I think he tweets about every fight we have, so that we fight I’m sure comes as no surprise to anyone reading this since most of you follow him on twitter and facebook. My best friend and I fight as well though. And so do me and my children.
Our married couples group is reading Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge. Last night’s chapter was on how to have a really good fight. The premise of the chapter was that we spend so much time fighting the wrong battles and the wrong person in our marriage/lives. Most of us, especially Christians, fail to remember that we have a common enemy, and it is not each other. When I’m angry with Shaun and give into the anger, I’m really giving in to the enemy of our souls. The enemy of our souls is also the enemy of our marriages, our friendships, our family relationships, and our relationships with fellow believers.
The battles we fight-over time, money, kids, etc. are only the surface. At work underneath all that threatens to tear us apart is the hand of the enemy. He is the only real and true enemy we face.
This was such an eye opening realization for me! I often treat my husband like he is the enemy. And I’ve made certain “agreements” with the enemy about our marriage. These agreements are lies (because Satan is a liar). I play these agreements over and over again in my mind internalizing them and reacting based on these thoughts that are not of God. I will be transparent and tell some of the agreements I’ve made in my marriage.
I’ve agreed with the enemy that:
***Shaun is too busy to actively care about me or his children
***We got married too young; I didn’t have time to find myself first
***We married for the wrong reasons (I was 3 months pregnant)
***Our marriage will end in divorce once we’re empty nesters because we’ll have grown apart
What awful thoughts! I never thought about what an unhealthy dialogue I was having with myself about my husband and our marriage. And this is in a so-called “good” marriage. So many people think our marriage is the model of bliss. I’ve had to caution many young women who have professed to me that they want what I have. Allowing them to pine for my life will set them up for great disappointment. It’s tough (like all of our lives). And even when you love someone as passionately as Shaun and I love one another, the enemy still creeps in and seeks to destroy our relationship.
This is because he knows how significant our marriage is to the God’s kingdom and the work that He has for us to do in the earth.
If you find yourself constantly at odds with someone in your life, I challenge you to consider who the real enemy is and why that enemy is trying so hard to come between you and that person. It could be your spouse. Or it could be your best friend, your mother, father, sibling, etc. What agreements have you made with Satan about that person and your relationship? Silence the enemy’s lies and instead embrace the truth. This is what I instead believe about my husband and our marriage:
I KNOW it’s TRUE that:
***Shaun has a heavy call on his life, but he loves me and his children deeply. He shows it in his care for us and his constant presence in our home. He is a tender and attentive father to Ezekiel and Savannah, and just needs a few gentle reminders when he becomes disconnected from me or the older girls 😉
***God knew His plans for us before we were even created. He knew the desires of my heart, because He gave them to me. Any “finding” myself apart from God’s plan would not have been a finding of my true self anyway! I have to find the courage to pursue my heart’s desires, and Shaun will undoubtedly be supportive.
***God used that child I was carrying to bring Shaun and I into right relationship with Him. We married WHEN we did b/c I was pregnant. But our love for one another existed before that and was only made stronger by us committing ourselves to marriage before Him. Our marriage was planned and ordained by God. Period!
***We will die married to one another. We will stay connected because we have a common vision, a common purpose in the earth that requires both of us together. We won’t let anything deter us from the vision God has for our marriage.
Pray and ask God to show you the real enemy in your relationships and what agreements you’ve made with him!
Better Half 
Wow baby. I LOVE this post and I really LOVE you! I am in between meetings but want to read it again and think about what agreements I have made that I need to get rid of.
Kisses.
See you tonight baby.
Shaun
Thanks dear. Sure you didn’t mean to, but noticed you said “that I need to get rid of you’ instead of “need to get rid of”…Freudian slip, right?…LMBO!
Hilarious.
Great blog and oh so true! But I’m not sure about this whole plan for my life stuff. My husband and I not only married for all the wrong reasons, but we were hardly in love! Five years later, I’m ready to call it quits and in my heart, I honestly feel that’s best, for the both of us….
Erica, I’m interested in knowing what those wrong reasons were? I don’t know if you’re a Christian, but the Bible teaches us that God is able to set any crooked path straight. I’m not sure if the “why” and “who” matter as much as we think. God can bless anything he chooses. And he’s made it clear that He values marriage. Do you and your husband attend a church that offers resources for couples?
The wrong reasons are really wrong lol
1. We were serving in Germany at the time, I wanted to get out the army so I got pregnant by the wrong guy so that I could get out…only I didn’t get out.
2. 2 months after my son was born we got married, even though I had doubts about it, but I wanted to get out the army to go back to school…and still have all the benefits of a soldier and marrying him allowed me to do that..
3. I am a Christian, but we were doomed from the start, by my own doing. We could not be more wrong for each other and this marriage is horrible and there’s no love here…never really was.
4. The Church we attend…I’m not sure if they have resources for couples or not, but we’ve been to marriage counseling and all that…pointless. During this entire marriage we’ve been going around in the same circle and I don’t have another 5 years of my life to keep doing this..
I’m sure it is not my place to respond but….
Love is a decision.. not a feeling.. it is an action… God is a God of covenant.. and just like we want Him to keep covenant with us.. we need to keep the covenants we make to Him and to one another… I agree with Rai that God can and WILL make ANY crooked path straight… time changes all things… the more time goes by.. the less what we thought was important really was… the only thing that really matters is our work in the kingdom of God… if you work actively toward pursuing God and allow Him to be the focus and reason for your life.. HE will work all things to the good… God loves you today and every day.. and He will straighten your path… we all follow a path that God makes for us.. even when it feels like we have strayed.. He will work it all out… For I know the plans I have for you… plans for a hope and a future.. plans to prosper you and not to harm you… plans for your good… trust in the Lord at ALL TIMES.. even the days you can’t see what is before you… Be Blessed…
many times we expect someone else to take the first step in making things right.. usually God thinks it should be us… try buying the book “The Love Dare” and you work through this book on your side.. toward your husband.. and see if God doesn’t take your one step and make it a giant leap… In Jesus Name!
I agree with you. Love is not a feeling. It is very much a decision. It’s a difficult decision to make though when you don’t “feel” like it. And it’s hard because it is the complete opposite of what we’ve been taught to want and long for. All of the love stories on television, in songs, etc. describe strong emotion and feeling- a head over heels romance. However, this is just the beginning stages. Real love is deep and challenged.
This post was awesome. I have been reading Shaun’s blog, and even spent a great deal of time reading yours. I think many of us who follow you both, know you don’t have the 100% Happy Marriage 100% of the time, and that’s what I like about you two 🙂 You’re honest about how hard marriage is, while keeping in mind that divorce is not an option. It’s been refreshing to see this dialogue.
The concept of the enemy at work is something I never thought about. I watched my own parents fight like crazy and it always boggled my mind. They met in ministry school and it was strange to me that two Christians could fight the way they did. But realizing the enemy was at work, day in and day out, explains it all. I’m saddened that they ended up in divorce, but I guess in some ways it revealed to me that the enemy is relentless, especially among the best of us.
Thanks for sharing. I’m not married, or boo’d up lol, but I will check the book out anyway. Good stuff.
Liz, thanks for your comment. Shaun and I try hard transparent because we believe this is why so many marriages fail. Most people aren’t prepared for the struggle of marrying your life, views, and ways of being to someone else’s. I know we weren’t.
The concept of the enemy working was a new thought to me too. Sounds crazy, I know. I think we as Christians focus so much on God (as we should) that we forget that we are actually in the middle of a war. The Bible says we wrestle not against flesh and blood, yet that’s where we direct all of our energy and attention…fighting the people we love most!
Great post!
As a single woman, I like to get an understanding of what God’s intentions are in this area of my life and your transparency about your and Shaun’s marriage is what the body of Christ really needs. We get tired of hearing these fairy tale stories of virgins marrying, never having a fight or disagreement. We want the REAL, we need the TRUTH, we are hungry for a connection with God and His people.
Thank you for your transparency!
Thanks for your comment Alisha! It’s always a little scary to be so open with my struggles. My hope in doing so is that it will help someone know they’re not alone in what they’re going through.
Awesome post! Thank God for your transparency. My wife and I have been together almost 18 years and it has taken me a long time to realize that every day is not a “happy” day. I love her and our children very deeply but I have come to see that our love runs deeper than I could imagine.
God bless you, Shaun, your family, and ministry.
WOW Rai! Thanks for being so OPEN! As a single woman, this is the kind of life-saving truth I need to hear and be reminded of. I know GOD is working with me in my relationships, and I also know that satan is walking to and fro trying to see who he can devour. And this battle seems to always start with the family…in the home! My, I am so glad that you posted this. For some of us single women, we tend to think that having a husband will make everything all right, but I have found contentment in my singleness and realize that my purpose is to advance HIS Kingdom, however way HE sees fit.
Really great post. Take that black eye devil…
RAI!
that was so good. honest and transparent and needed. with the life goals series and setting goals for/with family/friends – your sharing put a lot of things in perspective for me. i often think about the disension in my family and this reminded me that – when we are strong together we accomplish major feats for Christ…when we are divided we avoid each other and nothing gets accomplished. thanks for sharing! love you sis.
Wow… thank you so much for this. I’m a planting pastor in Anaheim of a multi-cultural young church and I can tell you being honest like this would be TOUGH for us about our marriage. It’s also a really great reminder that I need to be a better husband than I am a pastor. Thank you Shaun & Rait King. I know we’ll probably never be friends in this life, but you both sure have ministered to me from afar. Keep it up. We’ll hang out in Heaven. Sound good? There’s too much ministry to do here… lol
Wow! This is a powerful and eye-opening post. As a married mom, I can empathize with much of what you’ve said. keep inspiring.
This really blew me away. Wow. So transparent, everyone can grab something from this blog, you don’t have to be married to realize that you are a team. Communication is the key and God is the answer. Smile.
I was hoping it would speak to anyone in all kinds of relationships. Glad it did for you 🙂
Love this! I am going to make a list tonight of the TRUTH and pray God helps me to see all the lies I have told myself!
love blog and I’ll be back for more!
you spur me on 🙂
Good post. The enemy loves to try and work his way into destroying relationships. The more we know the more aware we are.