I guess I’m actually writing this a year too soon. I won’t be out of my twenties officially until this same day next year. But with some of the health challenges I’ve had lately, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my life-not in the esoteric sense of pondering life in general. I’ve really only been thinking about my life. That’s all the mental space I have room for.
Today I’m 29. Next year I will be 30. It still kind of weirds me out to think of myself as a 30 year old. That, to me, is so GROWN. When I was a teenager, 30 seemed light years away. I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I turned 30.
I wanted to be married- check
I wanted to be done birthing children- check
I wanted to have finished all of my schooling (doctorate and all)- missed
I wanted to be financially stable and debt free- almost
I pictured myself living somewhere exotic-which for me would have meant Arizona or Washington, DC 😉 I thought I’d be a lawyer working to improve laws to protect children…at a Children’s Defense Fund or somewhere like that. I knew I’d be wearing fancy suits like St. John’s knit and Tahari. And of course I’d have pumps in every style and every color. I didn’t think much about what my husband would be doing. I always figured I’d marry Shaun, and I did. I guess I pictured him as either an academic or a successful pastor of a large, established church somewhere…he gave no hints of being the social do-gooder he has become! I thought we’d have 2 kids- a junior for him, and a princess for me.
I never thought about illness. I never thought about losing jobs. I never considered financial hardships. I never thought about mistakes I’d make. I didn’t plan 5 kids. I never planned on making a career of teaching. I never planned to trade in pumps for flats that make it easier to carry babies and diaper bags. I didn’t see Shaun planting a church- as a matter of fact I fought it tooth and nail. I didn’t think about losing friends, and finding new ones. I never considered loved ones dyeing before I was ready for them to go.
I didn’t know that I would fall in and out of love with my husband on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis…lol (nor that he’d do the same with me). I thought we’d always be Gaga about each other.
I NEVER thought I’d be a stay at home mom. I didn’t even know black women did that…seriously. I never knew one when I was growing up.
I didn’t think about or consider any of these things. Looking at it now, I realize that what I really didn’t consider was….GOD!
I thought I controlled my life. I thought my plan was the plan. How foolish! I didn’t consider that God would step in and intervene in certain places-that He would close some doors and open others. That He would give me many children, and give me a burning desire to raise them as close to me as possible. That it was God laying church planting on Shaun’s heart, didn’t compute with me until recently.
Too many of the years in my 20’s were spent feeling like I had missed the mark. For too long I have been waiting for this point when I could get my life back on track. What I’ve realized now is that it was MY track that I was trying to get back on. God already has me where he wants me and has always wanted me. This has always been God’s plan for my life. And when I take a step back, and look at it all, I have to say what a beautiful plan it is! A loving husband after His own heart, children that I adore, a home that is 100 times nicer that any I could have dreamt for myself, a life full of purpose and possibility….
As I prepare for life as a GROWN woman headed into my 30’s, I’m going to count every blessing. Never again will I lament the road I’ve traveled and consider what could have been. There is only what is, and what I do with it. My prayer for the next 10 years is that I will view my life through God’s eyes…always asking and considering where He would have me to go, and what He would have me to do. I want to be in the center of His will, ALWAYS-even if it’s not glamorous, and I can’t do it in heels, and it takes me by surprise…even if it hurts sometimes and I don’t understand.
So, happy birthday to the me that God created and knew before I was even born. I’m sure it’s 1000 times better than the me that I planned!