Better Half

Family, Life, and Politics from Wifey

Curing My Hangover…Living Life on Purpose and Envisioning My Future! January 11, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — raitking @ 9:20 pm

Shaun’s message yesterday wrapped up a short little series he did called “Hangover.”  During the series he encouraged us to examine what troubling issues, bad habits, or unhealthy ways of being might be “hanging over” our lives.

He showed us how the very things that cure hangovers in the natural, can cure spiritual hangovers as well- water (living water), bread (the bread that is the word of God), and rest (the peaceful rest only God can give).

He also showed us that some of our issues are not short-term hangovers, but long-term, chronic issues that are more like alcoholism and will need more than a temporary fix.  One way to get over alcoholism is to envision a better, more successful future for ourselves. As long as we look into our future and see nothing but despair, the motivation to get better will not exist- without a vision the people perish (Prov. 29:18).

It got me thinking about something that happened recently.  I was talking with a girlfriend about some of my future goals.  The conversation went something like this:

Her: I took the LSAT a while ago.

Me: I’ve always wanted to go to law school, but I’m getting old now, so it’s probably too late

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I shuddered.  I couldn’t believe I had just sold myself short like that!  I’ve never been one to doubt my ability to do anything.  But just like that I realized that I had stopped hoping for much regarding my future.  I’ve begun to lose myself.  Just like that.

One day not too long ago I was a 20-year-old college student with hopes, dreams, and plans a mile long.

Now, I’m a 28-year-old wife to a church planter (the church is our life), and mother and homeschooler to 4 children (they are all-consuming).  Most days I wake up at 8, cook breakfast, teach, change diapers, iron clothes, nurse, cook lunch, prep dinner, clean, entertain kids, run errands, on and on and on.  The only meal I eat sitting down is dinner.  Then by 10 pm once all the kids are in bed, I may check facebook for 15 min. or I might just pass out on the couch with Shaun.  I sleep terribly while tending to a teething almost 1-year-old, and then wake up the next morning to start it all over again!

As you can imagine, this schedule leaves no time for visioneering! I’m just trying to maintain from day-to-day.

I didn’t know this, though, until Thursday night when I made that comment to my girlfriend.  It literally SCARED me because at that moment I didn’t recognize myself. I’m full of hope for my children’s future, full of thoughts for the future of the church.  But I’m not sure I know myself anymore and the individual desire’s God has for me.

Do I want to homeschool longterm?  Is that what God means for me?

Will I ever return to teaching outside of the home?  It was once my passion, and I think it still might be.

Do I need/want to pursue a law degree to do the child advocacy work I’ve always dreamt of doing?

I’ve applied to and been accepted into the Master of Education program at GSU twice only to find out I was pregnant and have to postpone.  Is this still what I want to do?

Will we pastor Courageous Church forever?  Will we spend the next 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years of our lives leading this church?  How do I feel about that, if so?

WHAT DO I HOPE FOR???

I’m hung over! I’m in a constant state of wondering, confusion, and even hopelessness (as evidenced by my comment to my girlfriend…still can’t believe I said that!) concerning my future.

I know no one knows the future, but I just need direction.  I need God to give me the desire’s of my heart- meaning I want my desires to be given to me by God (that was such a revelation when Shaun broke that down).  I’m willing to let go of who I thought I was and what I always thought I was going to do.  I just need a fresh vision-lest I perish in the day-to-day!!

Sooo…now I know what this year will be about for me- curing my hangover!  I’ll be drinking the living water (seeking the holy spirit), eating lots of bread that is the word of God, and asking God for rest-peace in my mind and spirit-knowing whatever my future holds, it’s in His hands.

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8 Responses to “Curing My Hangover…Living Life on Purpose and Envisioning My Future!”

  1. Esther Says:

    Reading this blog was funny to me..not the haha funny but the “it’s amazing how I feel the same way” funny. I recently told Lloyd that I don’t know who I am anymore. Over the years I’ve lost myself in this process. I have been so consumed by church planting and I feel like Esther is no more. It sounds worst than it really is but I am sure you get the idea. So, I am on a quest to find me. I want to work again, for how long? I don’t know but I am praying in the midst of working a regular job, God will lead me to find who Esther is and what it is she is supposed to be doing…aside from being Lloyd’s wife and the boys’ mom. In other words, you are not alone!

  2. 404momi Says:

    Hi Hisbetterhalf,

    I must say that I have enjoyed reading your blog and will be adding you to my feeds.

    404momi~

  3. DisneyCyndi Says:

    Man, you girls are speaking my language. I don’t have the answers but I keep hearing…I know the plans I have for you. Rai I laughed when I saw the sentence will we be doing this forever….HA, I asked Marc that one a few weeks ago. I already knew the answer before I asked…..if that’s what God’s plan is. I’m having a hard time accepting its really not about me and I am learning to be patient, to compromise when things are not going the way I want (I came close to have a tantrum a few days ago). I’m not where you all are, my career was my family. In many ways it still is, but I’m seeing dreams fufilled I never imagined. Frankly that saying about you can’t even begin to imagine what God has planned for you is soo true. I love Shauns message. I realize I need to spend more time in God’s shadow, feasting on his word and not be so caught up in the “work” of ministry. My goal this year is to be more focused, concentrate on the things I can change and less on what I can’t. My season has changed so many times, it will probably look different again by the end of the year. Like I said I don’t have the answers but God does…we just have to stop and listen (even when we don’t like his response). Rai I pray that you allow God to surround you and give you what you need, lead you on the path he intends for you, and shows you his dreams for your life.

  4. raitking Says:

    @Esther- We truly are sisters in spirit. I know you know how consuming this church planting thing can be. Because we both love our husbands and believe in them, we dive into their ambitions head first with all the support we can muster. But it often leaves us wondering who we are and what our purpose is outside of their visions and goals. I trust as we stay faithful and patient, God will reveal His plans to us and allow us to manifest what is in our own hearts-whatever that may be 🙂

  5. raitking Says:

    @Cyndi- I love having your perspective on things. You are wiser than I am- kind of like Naomi to Ruth 🙂 I am finding that the hardest thing is to listen to God. I had the revelation recently that I believe God has already spoken to me about what my current season is. I just think I don’t like it. Staying home, raising babies, working alongside Shaun in the church plant is NEVER what I envisioned. It’s not “glamorous”-not like pursuing a master’s degree, or going to law school. I feel plain and- if I’m being honest- like I’m wasting time. I feel like I’m constantly giving to support other people (my children, Shaun, the church) while I wilt away. But I don’t think it has to be this way. If I embrace this as my season, and see the value of it, I think I will find ways to also pursue my heart. I’m still working it out, but I believe I’m on the right track!

  6. Wordsmith Says:

    Can really relate.

    one tiny thing…. “As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I shuttered.” it’s shuddered. (shuttered has to with windows, shuddered is the feeling or reaction) I know, I know – it’s a peeve thing, hence my ‘name.’

  7. K Denise Says:

    Rai, I love this. I so understand this. I needed this. Thank you for this. You are the best. Hopefully I will get by Courageous sooner rather than later to say hey!


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