Better Half

Family, Life, and Politics from Wifey

Moral Failure- A Wife’s Perspective June 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — raitking @ 4:32 am

I’m bringing my blog out of semi-retirement (haven’t blogged since May) to address a topic my husband blogged about here.
He’s discussing the issue of pastor’s meeting with their female parishioners. His stance is that he will not meet with them alone. This is to avoid the appearance of moral failure as well as to avoid actual moral failure! There are a lot of opinions on his stance. Some understand and like it. Some think it unnecessary. Some think it’s sexist.
He really wants me to participate in the discussion, but what I have to say is too long to post in a comments section. So, I’ll state my opinion about the whole thing here.

There are 3 main things I’d like to say about it.

1. Believe it- Not everyone respects the boundaries of a committed relationship. So, YES, this stance is absolutely necessary!

Shaun and I have been together for 12 years and though we’ve never had an issue with fidelity (except this “thing” I had with a guy before we were married…not worth talking about), I have borne witness to the type of women “power” attracts. I don’t really get it. If only these women knew what a burden being married to a man with this type of call on their life can be, 99% of them would run for the hills. But they don’t know. So they go after the name, the perception of power, the “anointing” if you will.

When we were dating back at our home church in Kentucky there was a lady who was great friends with my mother. She was a very attractive, well put together woman that I sort of looked up to. Shaun was already the “hot” young minister in town 🙂 Well one night we were at the obligatory baptist choir “sing off” and this lady and her teen-aged niece thought it would be nice to pass Shaun her niece’s number. When Shaun told me later that night I was FLOORED! I couldn’t believe she had the audacity! EVERYONE knew we were in a committed relationship. Do you think she cared?

Luckily, Shaun had the presence of mind to give her back the slip of paper and tell me about it. But every man doesn’t have that will power. And I’m no fool to think Shaun always will. This is why Shaun can’t meet with women alone- to protect himself against these types of women. These women do exist. And anyone who says otherwise is naive and in denial because I could go on and on.  Don’t even let me get on all the women throwing themselves at him when he was Student Government President at Morehouse!

Now if this skanky behavior doesn’t describe you, GREAT! Be glad God has given you more class than to go throwing yourself at a man who’s already in covenant relationship with another woman. However, we have to err on the side of caution because we really don’t know you, and have to assume that this just may be your issue! Sorry. Doesn’t seem fair, but it’s real life. Point. Blank. Period.

2. Women and Men are not the same

Some say Shaun’s stance on not meeting with women is sexist. And I get that. I’m as feminist as the next Spelman woman. But when you step out of your women’s lib class and start living real life, you learn that women and men are not the same. We are equitable, but not equal. Shaun cannot deal with women as he would men. It’s just not possible. He can have a male friend over to spend time out of my presence (he doesn’t b/c he’s a hermit), but he could if he wanted to. He could not, however, have a woman friend over. As a matter of fact he doesn’t even have female friends-and I don’t have male ones. We’re married, so we have married couple friends.
And no one is saying Shaun can’t counsel a woman one on one. Some pastors said they refer women to their wives. I personally don’t believe that’s necessary. I’m no counselor. I don’t like being all wrapped up in other people’s problems. I don’t want to be “in” on stressful conversations. But if he does meet with one of our female parishioners it will be in an office with others present, and with the door open.
Again, it may not be “fair.” But the world isn’t fair. This is real life. My children don’t care about women’s rights. They care about having their mother and father happily married and loving each other. Period.

3. It’s not an issue of insecurity-for HIM nor ME

Some suggest that Shaun can’t meet with women alone because he’s not secure enough in his ability to refrain from lust. That’s not true at all. Shaun has stated publicly, and I will restate it here: I am the ONLY woman Shaun has ever “KNOWN.” Period. And anyone that knows him knows it’s not because he’s gay, and it’s also not because of lack of opportunity-as I showed in point #1. It’s because sex isn’t and has never been the most important thing to him. Does he appreciate a beautiful woman? Sure. I know when someone’s caught his eye (i.e. he’s got a thing for Keisha Cole- go figure). But for whatever reason lust just has never been his issue. We spent 2 years apart in a long distance relationship when he began Morehouse and I was still in high school in Kentucky. And he never once cheated or even came close. So he’s not insecure. If anything, I think he’s overly confident about his ability to remain faithful.

I’m not insecure either. I realized something a long time ago that has helped me along the years. It was a revelation of sorts. Spelman College has more beautiful women per square mile than perhaps anywhere else in the world (my opinion of course). And I realized that if keeping Shaun faithful was about a beauty contest, I’ve lost-hands down– because no matter how pretty I am, there will always be someone prettier. ALWAYS! I can’t be sexy enough to keep Shaun faithful. No one can. Don’t believe me? Ask Halle Berry or Vanessa Williams. Both were married to men who cheated. Go figure!
Now I keep myself up. I generally don’t go around looking like a shlumpadinka (to borrow from my girl Oprah). But my marriage doesn’t depend on the way I look. Good thing because on a good day I’m pretty damn hot. But on a bad one…well, it’s bad 🙂
So, no, I’m not insecure. Other pretty women don’t bother me, and Shaun has never given me a reason not to trust him. But the enemy of our souls would love nothing more than to trip him up-of that I am sure! So whatever we have to do to protect our family and to remain in right standing before God and the people we serve, we’ll do.

It’s ridiculous really that this is an issue-with all the real work there is to do in this world. I absolutely DEPLORE this side of ministry.  It’s enough to make me not want to do it.  But I didn’t choose my husband-God did.  And he didn’t choose to be a pastor-God did that as well.  It’s not always pretty, but it is what it is!

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53 Responses to “Moral Failure- A Wife’s Perspective”

  1. Alcendia Says:

    VERY WELL PUT

  2. Carolyn Says:

    I rejoice that you and hubby have been loyal to each other for the 12 years you have been married. I thoroughly agree with you both that he should not be alone with a female. If you have to go to the church with the children, do it until there are others around, and keep the door open, or have a window that provides a view of all of his office. Be assured that the evil one does not want his ministry to grow and will do everything he can to cause him to fall, sexually or with money, the 2 primary reasons ministers fall — too many TV examples. I pray that you both draw to the Lord daily that He will be your strength. – I grew up in Jackson, 45 miles south of Atlanta; husband & I were missionaries to Japan 20 years. Let the love of Jesus fill you so your concerns are lost in Him. Carolyn Mobley

    • Gee Says:

      “So whatever we have to do to protect our family and to remain in right standing before God and the people we serve, we’ll do.”

      The above quote is the most poignant part of your post to me. Being married to a world-class musician who travels and interacts professionally with females, I can appreciate and applaud you and Shaun on your stand.

      Infidelity and integrity is a ‘dirty word’ among many Christian leaders today. That’s why I thank God daily for a husband who loves and honors God even more than he loves me and our children. And that reverance of our Father is what keeps him faithful to me and our covenant!

      Thanks Rai, for giving a voice to the wives of faithful, God-fearing husbands.

      Peace
      Gee

      • raitking Says:

        Gee,
        You make a good point when you say that your husband’s reverence of God is what keeps him faithful. I haven’t thought too much about it from that perspective. Because the truth is even Shaun’s love for me isn’t enough to keep him from stingray. Because as every married person knows, love is fickle. At least the expression of it is. We’re not always happy with our mates. So even if that’s what’s keeping him faithful right now, it might not always. It has to be fear of God first, then love for me. Thanks for that!

      • Veronica Says:

        AMEN, AMEN, AMEN!!

    • raitking Says:

      Thanks so much Carolyn for your encouragement and advice. Sounds like you and your husband have got the formula for sure!

  3. Milan Ford Says:

    great post Rai – love it!

  4. Natalie Says:

    i read shaun’s post yesterday and was dissapointed with what some women had to say about it. I agree with you two hands down. very impressed by this post. saw you two at the ARC conference. cute couple! 🙂

    • raitking Says:

      Hey thanks! You saw me, shaun, and savannah at the conference 🙂 We’re no couple these days…we’re a threesome. She is with us ALWAYS!!…lol!

  5. Amy Says:

    I admire the commitment and determination that goes into your marriage to keep it intact and a Godly and Holy marriage. Now a days with divorce being so commonplace…people seem to forget the vows they took on their wedding day and in the eyes of God~and when difficulty or temptations arise..people are so quick to walk away or turn their backs on that. A real marriage is all about honest,diligent hard sacrifices to keep it holy in the eyes of God. You are so right in that all women do not respect that sacred bond and I do not at all find it sexist or feel discriminated against that a male pastor would chose not to minister or counsel to me alone. I,personally find that being counseled to by a woman~who is more apt to understand any struggles I may be facing~is far more productive for me. Not to say that a male pastor couldn’t counsel me on my walk with God..but if that is my preference or rather a point of disagreement for me,then I need to question whether my motives are pure and if I am really concerned on the welfare of my walk. Therefore,for me,I am willing to do what ever is in the best interest of furthering my walk with God…so if that means that another person be present so that I mean hear the word of God~then by all means~BRING IT!
    I commend you on your strength,your faith and your marriage!

    • raitking Says:

      Amy,

      Marriage is indeed a commitment in every sense of the word. Your perspective is very mature!

  6. Jared Still Says:

    You’re awesome….and so is Shaun.

    Preach on sister! (If I may say so!)

    You guys are a total blessing…keep it up!

    • raitking Says:

      Thanks Jared! And you can call me sister (except you have to spell it “sista” and say it with a neck twirl)…we’re all brothers and sisters in Christ, right? 🙂

  7. Adam Says:

    This was really dope Rai! You really should blog more b/c you have a very engaging style (like your husband’s).

    Great points and thanks for your honesty

    “My children don’t care about women’s rights.” love it…lol!

    • raitking Says:

      Adam,

      Thanks for your comment!

      And hey, when are you all going to perform at Courageous? Do you know how much I looooved the song you did for the Morehouse thing?…I still sing it to myself sometimes!

  8. Rae – I’m laughing, b/c I wondered… why does Shaun NEVER respond to my fb comments (which there have not been many) or ANY of my @shaunking tweets!!! lol. I look forward to both yours and Shaun’s insight! I don’t think there’s even a reason really… I just count it as you’re both very busy business people/parents trying to make a difference in the World. I admire the relationship you share together and what you (share) with the public. It’s interesting and REFRESHING to hear the truths and minor struggles, yet still see the brighter side every time! I can only imagine your role a mother and wife of preachers kids and a preacher and the battles you deal with alone in a church… I pray your and Shaun’s strength in God always as a couple, parents, and leaders for Christ!
    …Now I’m trying to find where to subscribe to your blog… I’ve not read one I didn’t find interesting! Meanwhile taking small notes for my marriage one day! ;D

    • sorry for the mispelled name. RAI!

      • raitking Says:

        Hey girlie!

        I keep up with you on twitter and facebook sometimes..can’t believe you’re so grown!

        By the way, this stance on women that I talked about here doesn’t have anything to do with Shaun not responding to messages on the computer. Shaun gets sooo many @replies on twitter and facebook. He reads them all, but doesn’t really respond to hardly any of them b/c then he’d be on his phone constantly (kind of like he already is), and I’d be fussing even more than I already do!…lol!

  9. Erin Giles Says:

    Amen Mrs. King I agree 100% and I glad to know that
    I am not the only pastor’s wife that has the sense to put
    in place a way of life such as this with her husband. Our
    church will be launching next week and we already in
    one accord on this. What so many people don’t realize
    is the enemy first attacked a marriage…and if he has a
    choice don’t you agree he would attack a couple that God
    has empowered to bring people into the light?
    Keep on guarding your marriage!!

    • raitking Says:

      Thanks Erin. So true about the enemy attacking marriage first. And God be with you during your launch! I know what a crazy time that can be. I pray all goes well!

  10. Katy Says:

    I’d also add that Satan attacks when you’re doing the work of God. A Godly marriage is the foundation of the family. It is very vulnerable to Satan’s attacks, it must be protected.

    Look at what is doing on in churches EVERYWHERE. Pastors are human too and they fail and are vulnerable to Satan’s attacks. They must take further steps to protect themselves.

    I applaud your husband for his choices. It’s not about women being inferior, it’s about the things Satan can use to attack and not leaving ourselves vulnerable to those attacks.

  11. Dion Evans Says:

    Sis… You stated your position extremely well. Great way to be an example and a voice!

  12. Dion Evans Says:

    Sis… (My comment did not go through the 1st time). Your comments were extremely well put. Very good stuff…

  13. Fay Says:

    years ago i met w/ a pastor for counsel and remember being offended at the door being open (i didn’t want the whole world hearing my business). when they explained why, i got even more upset, like, “ew, i don’t want *you*!”

    two years ago i started working in ministry and realized it’s a whole ‘nother world from the other side of the desk. folks are crazy. kudos to you and shaun being so transparent about this. 🙂

    • raitking Says:

      Fay,

      You prove my point exactly! Once you’re in ministry and see the crazy side, you understand the need for such measures.

      Thanks for reading!

  14. LOVED what you had to say, AND how you said it! You and Shaun obviously have a wonderful strong marriage AND a very realistic view of the world we live in.

    Peace & Blessings to you both, and your beautiful children!
    -HWHL

  15. Jenny Says:

    Very well stated and although I couldn’t agree more, I find the post very slanted. It’s the same passive aggressive slant that’s often presented in the church, “women are desperate and seeking to put their fangs in any man they can.”

    I totally see your point but on the other side of that coin are the “leaders” who use their “power” to prey on women. Like you said, it’s not fair and nor is it pretty, but it is what it is. In fact, we don’t have to look far, a once great voice in this area had a huge fall from grace during in the last couple of years … I’m not sure who was the victim, but one thing we do know … multiple affairs occurred, even one with his brother’s wife. It’s very unfortunate that in all of his years in the ministry, his legacy became all about how he lured weak women into affairs. Personally I don’t believe anyone unwilling enters an affair but that’s a different topic for a different day. Either way it goes, however it started, an affair takes 2 willing people, period.

    • raitking Says:

      Jenny,
      I agree that my post deals mainly with affairs caused by wily women. It’s not because I think this is the only way affairs happen. I know better than that. I agree that there are men who abuse their power to take advantage of weak women.
      However, I don’t believe that is how Shaun would be susceptible to an affair. Unless something drastic changes in his character, Shaun will likely not be the one to start an affair. He’s not the predatory type. So I wrote this post from my perspective.
      But you’re absolutely right either way. It takes 2 to tango!

  16. Rindy Walton Says:

    “Again, it may not be “fair.” But the world isn’t fair. This is real life. My children don’t care about women’s rights. They care about having their mother and father happily married and loving each other. Period.”

    AMEN!!

    Great post! I pray you both will always have the boundaries and safeguards in place–and that you will always love each other and have the commitment that you both so strongly exhibit today. Way to go!!

  17. Disney Cyndi Says:

    Amen “sista”. Marc and I discussed this a few days ago and one conclusion we came to was that whenever possible I will be with him when he is working at church or has to travel. Thank goodness for us I can do this because the kids are all grown. And its not because I don’t trust him but more because we don’t want there to be even the “appearance” of wrong doing. After 26 years of marriage we have learned to be as upfront and honest as possible with each other. Marc will tell people all the time…..I run and tell my wife about stuff before someone else can and turn it into something its not. I even have to be careful of where I am at and who I am alone with because people are always looking to stir up trouble where there is none.

  18. Thanks so much for speaking so freely & being so real! Awesome, keep blogging 🙂

  19. Tamanika Says:

    I am glad that you agreed with your husband’s suggestion to respond to what seems like a very controversal issue. Your response shows that you and your husband are “united” on this issue. That is very important for people to see.
    Your statement: “Again, it may not be ‘fair.’ [quote changes mine] But the world isn’t fair. This is real life. My children don’t care about women’s rights. They care about having their mother and father happily married and loving each other. Period[,]” is spot on. We can rationalize many things as adults, but in the end, children don’t understand rationalizations. Their outlook on life is very simple despite the complexities couched in the popular phrase of “what had happened was…” that are all too pervasive in adults’ lives.
    In the end, it is too bad that this is an issue, but in a world in which God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things, people can often get caught up in the person who facilitates their path to spiritual liberation instead of the MESSAGE that is brought forth through the person who seeks to provide guidance and help. I think that if we are honest with our human frailities, then we can better understand that EVERYONE can fall short of being obediant and why it is important to make a DELIBRATE EFFORT to keep our covenant relationships intact even when others may not understand (or want to understand) our rationale.

    Be blessed!

  20. Korin Says:

    I love you blog!!!

  21. katherine Says:

    hi Rai,
    i love your blog, but right now i am reading with tears in my eyes, i understand completely what you mean. i am standing in the war front for my marriage right now, 10 months ago my husband and i were still enjoying the bliss of marriage together for 12 years and married then for 8 until this lady entered our lives by pretending to be an angel of light only to turn out to be jezebel in full flesh. telling my husband to be a good husband and father to our kids, he told me about this kind lady that he doesn’t know that send him mails everyday to encourage him to be a good person, only to later find out that this same person is now telling him to leave his family becos she cannot leave without him. my all so loving husband all of a sudden doesn’t want anything to do with me or our marriage , he is a youth teacher that has abandon his duties in the church ,right now he doesn’t fellowship and the worst part of it all is that he doesn’t seem to find anything wrong with his action, he has completely forgotten his motto which is wwjd -what will Jesus do.
    sorry for sure a long comment but when i was reading yr blog i remembered what i am missing but i will get it back becos i keep on praying and trusting God. no matter what the scales will be lifted from my husband eyes in Jesus name.
    take care of yr hubby and yrself, i pray the lord will grant you a blessed marriage life. it is not easy but his grace is sufficient for us.

    • raitking Says:

      Katherine,

      I am so sorry for what you are going through. I will pray for your family and for your own personal strength. God is able to bring us through the most insane situations. You just keep your eyes focused on Him and allow Him to fight this battle for you. I pray that you receive a peace and a joy in the middle of this storm that surpasses all understanding!

  22. Theoden Says:

    Rai,

    Just found out about your church and websites.

    I applaud your fierce willingness to FIGHT for your marriage and be wise about temptation. Bravo!

    And my advice to your husband — keep dating your wife, because if you don’t, someone else will.

    Peace.

  23. Candy Says:

    Mrs.King,
    I am so impressed with your blog. I am so happy to learn what kind of leaders you and your husband are. My recently married daughter and her husband have been church searching, and have fallen in love with Courageous Church. My husband and i are so thrilled that they are finding a home with such amazing, committed leaders, not only in their desire to follow Christ, but to have such great leaders as regards marriage. I have struggled with them wanting to go out and find their own church, ( my husband and I are members of Buckhead Church, and of course LOVE Andy Stanley and Jeff Henderson) I would love them to come to church where we do, but I am THRILLED that they have found Courageous Church, I have been following Shaun on Twitter, and have read everything on the website and was already very happy that my kids are finding their church home among you, but reading your blog today has increased my joy a thousandfold. As of today, I am a big fan of yours!!!!
    Thank you.
    Candy Sugarman

  24. Susie Sinclair Says:

    I totally agree with you and your husband stance on not meeting with women alone. I work for a well known ministry, and part of my job is to read and reply to people who writes to this Pastor. At first, it was shocking to read what WOMEN would write to him; it is very alarming!!! And I’m not talking about young women either. The attraction is not to him the person, but how they perceive him because he’s on television. So stand firm on your stance, no matter who it may be because Satan will try to destroy what God has for you. You guys are doing a great job. Stay encouraged

  25. Sis. K Says:

    Sister..

    I applaud you and your husband’s commitment to protecting your marriage..

    May I suggest that

    1. Consider that not all women are skanky … some simply have not developed self control… and when they are around a man who is charismatic and grounded.. it is not only spiritually attractive.. but if the woman is going through pains.. it may call to her very basic sense of need for healing.. Since your husband is in a position to heal.. it is natural for a woman to not only be attracted to the message but also the person.. the difference between a destroyer of the marriage and one who is respectful is not the emotion that is conjured.. but her level of discipline and respect after realizing she has these emotions… unfortunately in situations where the man is the sole person that is trusted or respected there really is no one else to go to… most of us are raised to respect the institution of marriage.. but many of us are not really prepared for what happens when we develop feelings for another man… It is incumbent upon your husband to protect himself.. but woman to woman.. I also suggest that beyond his protection we protect all women.. those who are vulnerable.. those who are weak as well as those who are strong… we can do this by:

    2. Discussing with your husband arrangements for a female counselor that is promoted and respected just as much as he is… women need counseling too.. and we deserve privacy during counseling.. if there is a threat to your marriage then your husband should not counsel women period. It is disrespectful to require a woman to divulge and be vulnerable in the presence of those who she may or may not have chosen.. or she feels pressured to do so… or she has to have a greater audience for her ills… develop females in the ranks…

    3. Become more involved in your husband’s work.. so that down the road he is not in one world and you are in another… often men and women give in to temptation when they feel neglected… and also so other women will feel your presence around him… Sometimes women are not trying to disrupt a marriage but the husband presents as if he is not married and the woman will allow herself to be taken in by the fallacy that the wife is inconsequential…

    I believe that infidelity is a two way street for sure… I don’t believe a faithful man is always protecting himself against potential jezebels.. sometimes a faithful man comes across something in himself that he didn’t realize was a weakness and will find himself subtly preying on women around him.. (please don’t sleep on that reality)… and all women are not scheming to use their prowess to secure your man… sometimes a woman will not know she has any sway until a man makes it clear that she does and he breaks the boundaries.. not in word.. but in his presence…

    We do not want to become paranoid.. because there are many possible scenarios.. the best thing to do is to ensure that you continue to strengthen the bond between you two…

    Other than that.. It is good and wonderful to see such a healthy balanced marriage taking place..

    Your family is beautiful.. Here is one sister that is rooting for you and those who look up to you…

    Peace

    ~Sis. K

  26. Rebecca Says:

    As a married woman and a “preachers kid” I have to say I respect, admire, appreciate, and wholeheartedly support your husband’s stance on this issue. I’m so glad to know that as a leader he is taking steps to be sure he refrains from the appearance of evil. I have seen countless women throw themselves at my father for years, and this exact policy was what allowed him to remain free from the traps that a careless attitude can cause. While I wish all my brothers and sisters who hold positions of power conducted themselves as if Christ were watching, I know that isn’t always the case. I am fully aware that in addition to the “wolves in sheep’s clothes” there are also people who may not necessarily begin with ill intent, but come to covet what does not belong to them later. I’ve even seen some people who ended up in bad situations trying to give comfort to someone who was hurting. In any case, I am glad to know your husband is not allowing himself to “end up” in a situation that could not only hurt his wife and family, but damage his walk and cause him to be a poor example of what a man of God should be.

  27. Debra Stewart Says:

    Absolutely True!!! The spiritual forces that we war with
    are looking for just a crack to slither in! Continue to be alert!

  28. shalonda edwards Says:

    I agree with pastor king stance, and I understand where your comming from. I know by experiance. This has been a spiritual battle for me and my husband of 5yrs. Do you and your husband have counsling for married couples.

  29. Doe Says:

    I am sooooo late reading this but SOOOOOO glad I did. I share your opinions on how to handle dealing with women in the church. I’ve seen women throw themselves at my musician friends at any cost even if it means ripping apart their families. I’ve also seen men abuse their power and prey on women as well so I am glad to hear that Shaun is one of a few good men who remain standing on God’s word. I admire both you and Shaun and even though dating in this century is in a sad state to say the least, you have encouraged me to hold on to my faith knowing that God will never give me something that didn’t meet His requirements for me and His requirements are so much wiser than my own. God bless you and your family! xoxo

  30. nice post.
    im just agreeing here. i have worked as a leader in church.service/ministry for life and have seen so much wisdom in this.
    since i am a woman, i have often had the elder role of talking this thru with the woman who doesnt understand why she cant be with the nice yet powerful pastor and perfectly understanding man? .
    this boundary is often discussed as a needed protection for a man, which it is.but it is equal in protection for the woman involved, it just isnt as easy to see, or call out as wrong.

    lets be kinda real, even good, godly dressed women can be tempted to use any of their powers to attract. it may seem so innocent. but, it is not God best and it is a path that leads nowhere good. it does damage all of our other relationships whether we admit it or not.

    come on ladies, you want to be desired by another.
    we need to make this another, God. and that takes discipline that runs counter christian culture.

  31. Harriet Says:

    I don’t know you. I read your husband’s blog today and really enjoyed what he had to say about mercy. Typically, as a Christian, a wife and a mother, if I’m going to comment on anything regarding a married man, I will go out of my way to do try to get in contact with his wife as well.

    Now that I’ve gotten my personal practice out of the way, let me comment on what you actually wrote here:

    1. From a leadership standpoint, your husband is the pastor. Unfortunately, a lot of people believe that the church should work like some kind of democracy and things should be up for a vote. However, your HUSBAND is the pastor and VISIONARY and CHOSEN MAN who received delegated authority from God to lead this particular flock. That said, it grieves me that you even had to get on your blog and come out of retirement (LOL) to explain something like this. I could see if you two were abusing your flock (and based on the tenor of humility and commitment to God that I gathered from reading your work, I’m almost positive that is not taking place). I RESPECT and honor both of you for taking this stand and being unmoveable about it.

    2. From a spiritual standpoint, the two of you have a bullseye on your backs. Spiritual warfare is no joke for people on the front line like you all are. You have to walk soberly and not give your flesh and/or intellect so much credit that you refuse to believe falling is not a possibility. It force you to stay on your faces and stay covered under the shadow of the Almighty, because without Him and His covering, surely your ministry will either fail miserably or succeed even more miserably. Of COURSE the enemy wants to tear your family apart. But God is able to keep you if you want to be kept. This decree is part of the proof that you do want to be kept, and I RESPECT both of you for taking this spiritual stand.

    3. From a social point of view, what we see going on in society, unfortunately is a direct result of the Body of Christ as a whole abdicating their responsibility to be the standard for the rest of the world. People in the world can much more easily disrespect committed, marital, godly relationships, because people in the CHURCH did it first, and it was played out on the world’s stage for the masses to see. It may be a foreign concept to some that people like you and your husband truly want to follow after Christ and that you not only care for them individually, but for their souls collectively. That’s OK. Keep doing it anyway, and ensure your marriage is strengthened from the inside out.

    I know this is getting verbose, so I’m going to end my comment, but I wanted to THANK YOU for not being cookie cutter in your approach to ministry. Thank you for putting your confidence in the Lord, and not just in one another. Thank you for your humility and desire to remain in God’s will.

    Please stay encouraged! I’m going to send you a friend request on Facebook in the near future. Hopefully we can connect. Be blessed!

  32. Sharon Says:

    This quote really stood out to me:
    “”As a matter of fact he doesn’t even have female friends-and I don’t have male ones We’re married, so we have married couple friends.”

    I think the Lord is going to keep bringing lots of singles to your church, because He wants you to stretch a little. I am a single woman and almost all my friends are married – being an older single, it just sort of works out that way (not my choice!) But I have really wonderful relationships with my married couple friends. I hope you, as a couple, learn to invite a single guy or single gal over for dinner, hang out with him/her, and learn how to have single friends in all purity and sincerity. One day they may be married and turn into married couple friends – but even as singles, they can be immensely beneficial to your lives and you to theirs.

    • raitking Says:

      Hey Sharon!
      I continued to be surprised how many comments this post gets. It’s clearly an issue people are passionate about. I want to clarify what I meant by the quote you pulled. I don’t have any personal, male, single friends. Shaun doesn’t have any personal, female, single friends. It would just be inappropriate for either one of us to have private phone conversations or time out (the things you do with friends) with single members of the opposite sex. Now, we have had single people over to our home as guests numerous times. As a matter of fact, we have a single, male college student living with us right now. So it’s not that we’re afraid or standoffish to single people in the church (btw, most of our church is single), we’re just careful how we engage in personal relationships with them if they’re of the opposite sex. Hope this makes sense. Thanks for your post!

  33. annieology Says:

    My husband and I have this same policy. Again, not because I do not trust him, but because we want to have no appearance of anything wrong. When the issue arises, he doesn’t excuse the practice, he simply says “because I honor my wife, she is the only woman I am alone with, we’ll have to meet in public.” Most “normal” women are not offended by it, rather appreciate the practice.

    Loved reading it, I’ll be back, although I see you are a busy women so I understand why you take blogging breaks.


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