Moral Failure- A Wife’s Perspective June 26, 2009

I’m bringing my blog out of semi-retirement (haven’t blogged since May) to address a topic my husband blogged about here.
He’s discussing the issue of pastor’s meeting with their female parishioners. His stance is that he will not meet with them alone. This is to avoid the appearance of moral failure as well as to avoid actual moral failure! There are a lot of opinions on his stance. Some understand and like it. Some think it unnecessary. Some think it’s sexist.
He really wants me to participate in the discussion, but what I have to say is too long to post in a comments section. So, I’ll state my opinion about the whole thing here.

There are 3 main things I’d like to say about it.

1. Believe it- Not everyone respects the boundaries of a committed relationship. So, YES, this stance is absolutely necessary!

Shaun and I have been together for 12 years and though we’ve never had an issue with fidelity (except this “thing” I had with a guy before we were married…not worth talking about), I have borne witness to the type of women “power” attracts. I don’t really get it. If only these women knew what a burden being married to a man with this type of call on their life can be, 99% of them would run for the hills. But they don’t know. So they go after the name, the perception of power, the “anointing” if you will.

When we were dating back at our home church in Kentucky there was a lady who was great friends with my mother. She was a very attractive, well put together woman that I sort of looked up to. Shaun was already the “hot” young minister in town Well one night we were at the obligatory baptist choir “sing off” and this lady and her teen-aged niece thought it would be nice to pass Shaun her niece’s number. When Shaun told me later that night I was FLOORED! I couldn’t believe she had the audacity! EVERYONE knew we were in a committed relationship. Do you think she cared?

Luckily, Shaun had the presence of mind to give her back the slip of paper and tell me about it. But every man doesn’t have that will power. And I’m no fool to think Shaun always will. This is why Shaun can’t meet with women alone- to protect himself against these types of women. These women do exist. And anyone who says otherwise is naive and in denial because I could go on and on.  Don’t even let me get on all the women throwing themselves at him when he was Student Government President at Morehouse!

Now if this skanky behavior doesn’t describe you, GREAT! Be glad God has given you more class than to go throwing yourself at a man who’s already in covenant relationship with another woman. However, we have to err on the side of caution because we really don’t know you, and have to assume that this just may be your issue! Sorry. Doesn’t seem fair, but it’s real life. Point. Blank. Period.

2. Women and Men are not the same

Some say Shaun’s stance on not meeting with women is sexist. And I get that. I’m as feminist as the next Spelman woman. But when you step out of your women’s lib class and start living real life, you learn that women and men are not the same. We are equitable, but not equal. Shaun cannot deal with women as he would men. It’s just not possible. He can have a male friend over to spend time out of my presence (he doesn’t b/c he’s a hermit), but he could if he wanted to. He could not, however, have a woman friend over. As a matter of fact he doesn’t even have female friends-and I don’t have male ones. We’re married, so we have married couple friends.
And no one is saying Shaun can’t counsel a woman one on one. Some pastors said they refer women to their wives. I personally don’t believe that’s necessary. I’m no counselor. I don’t like being all wrapped up in other people’s problems. I don’t want to be “in” on stressful conversations. But if he does meet with one of our female parishioners it will be in an office with others present, and with the door open.
Again, it may not be “fair.” But the world isn’t fair. This is real life. My children don’t care about women’s rights. They care about having their mother and father happily married and loving each other. Period.

3. It’s not an issue of insecurity-for HIM nor ME

Some suggest that Shaun can’t meet with women alone because he’s not secure enough in his ability to refrain from lust. That’s not true at all. Shaun has stated publicly, and I will restate it here: I am the ONLY woman Shaun has ever “KNOWN.” Period. And anyone that knows him knows it’s not because he’s gay, and it’s also not because of lack of opportunity-as I showed in point #1. It’s because sex isn’t and has never been the most important thing to him. Does he appreciate a beautiful woman? Sure. I know when someone’s caught his eye (i.e. he’s got a thing for Keisha Cole- go figure). But for whatever reason lust just has never been his issue. We spent 2 years apart in a long distance relationship when he began Morehouse and I was still in high school in Kentucky. And he never once cheated or even came close. So he’s not insecure. If anything, I think he’s overly confident about his ability to remain faithful.

I’m not insecure either. I realized something a long time ago that has helped me along the years. It was a revelation of sorts. Spelman College has more beautiful women per square mile than perhaps anywhere else in the world (my opinion of course). And I realized that if keeping Shaun faithful was about a beauty contest, I’ve lost-hands down- because no matter how pretty I am, there will always be someone prettier. ALWAYS! I can’t be sexy enough to keep Shaun faithful. No one can. Don’t believe me? Ask Halle Berry or Vanessa Williams. Both were married to men who cheated. Go figure!
Now I keep myself up. I generally don’t go around looking like a shlumpadinka (to borrow from my girl Oprah). But my marriage doesn’t depend on the way I look. Good thing because on a good day I’m pretty damn hot. But on a bad one…well, it’s bad
So, no, I’m not insecure. Other pretty women don’t bother me, and Shaun has never given me a reason not to trust him. But the enemy of our souls would love nothing more than to trip him up-of that I am sure! So whatever we have to do to protect our family and to remain in right standing before God and the people we serve, we’ll do.

It’s ridiculous really that this is an issue-with all the real work there is to do in this world. I absolutely DEPLORE this side of ministry.  It’s enough to make me not want to do it.  But I didn’t choose my husband-God did.  And he didn’t choose to be a pastor-God did that as well.  It’s not always pretty, but it is what it is!

What do you do for a living? May 25, 2009

Today I was a(n):
1. alarm clock
2. personal chef
3. launderer
4. 1 woman food supplier (nursing
5. professional grocery shopper
6. worship leader
7. church announcements giver
8. children’s ministry leader
9. beautician (spent 3 hours braiding hair)
10. baby soother
11. party planner (small gathering for Memorial Day)
12. Enforcer (that boy!)
13. lover (if the husband gets his way tonight…lol)
14. And of course….MAID!

Ahh the life of a wife, mom, and church planting partner! What hats do you wear most days?

Stop time, please!! May 19, 2009

My first born is now seven years old. I just can’t believe it. Really. She is my first love, my first baby…the one who turned me from a young, stupid girl, into a woman-a mother. I love this girl in a special way. It’s because of her that I understand the true meaning of love.

I can picture her as a baby- before we adopted Taeyonna, before Ezekiel, before Savannah- it was just our small, little family…me, her, and Shaun. I swear it seems like just yesterday.

And now she’s seven. And now she’s wearing glasses. I feel like crying every time I see this picture.

God I’m thankful she’s growing. I really am. It certainly beats the alternative (what doesn’t grow dies). But does it have to happen so fast? Oh to kiss that baby face just once more! Stop time, please…just for a minute!

Video Blog- Family Night May 15, 2009

I’m so excited!  I’ve never posted a video of any type on here because I don’t know how, and getting Shaun to do stuff for me on the comp is like pulling teeth.

But after just 2 days of begging, he gotter done.  Here’s my first video blog post.  It’s of our most recent family night.  Stay tuned to the end to watch Shaun and I play at the park.

My TERRIBLE Two Year Old May 12, 2009

I know everyone has heard of the terrible two’s. And there are competing theories on it. Some say it actually occurs the year between 1 and 2. Others say it’s the year between 2and 3. Still others say the terrible two’s are a myth altogether and aren’t a real stage at all.

Well I hope that’s not true. I hope the terrible two’s really do exist and that it occurs between the year 2 and 3. I hope this is the case because it is the only way I can explain my son’s HORRIBLE behavior. His name is Ezekiel but we call him Ezee for short. Except my husband likes to joke that there is NOTHING “Easy” about him. The boy is AWFUL!

He’s one of those kids you see in public behaving so terribly you want to interject on behalf of the parent. He’s THAT kid!!

What’s more is that he only seems to be this way when we (Shaun and I) are around. We recently went out of town and left him with his godparents and he was a complete ANGEL. My girlfriend didn’t believe that he could ever throw a fit because he was so polite and well behaved.

Here’s the thing- I’m plenty strict with him. I’m a school teacher and he’s my 3rd kid so I know how to “lay it down” if you will. And his dad is very loving- very gentle and long suffering. So he’s getting both approaches to discipline.

So what is it? Why does he scream, and cry, and act a fool with the two people who love him the most in the world, and save his “I’m so adorable” routine for everyone else?

I’m really looking forward to age 3. I love my son (I’d fight a lion for him), but I’m looking forward to LIKING him.

Any advice?

Rescue Me! May 6, 2009

Ok, yesterday I did something so embarrassing that I wouldn’t let Shaun twitter about it.  But here I go blogging about it.  It makes for a short, humorous post.

Like most women I know, I’ve been trying to lose weight.  Sometimes I get so mad, b/c Shaun can sit around with a pudgy belly and little man boobs and not care one bit!  But I freak out about every roll, hump, and bump!  It’s just not fair.  Why are the standards so different?

Anyhow, I digress!

Well I’ve been walking the girls to school as a form of exercise in the mornings.  Yesterday I decided to walk them to school and then continue on to the grocery store that’s a good 12 blocks away (12 city blocks..much bigger than neighborhood blocks).  I had Savannah with me in her stroller, so I was excited that this would add to the work out even more.

So we’re walking and I’m climbing a few minor hills and start to realize that I’m a little tired.  It’s warm outside, but not hot, but suddenly I’m sweating. My normal walk to Centennial Park is full of pretty flowers, and fellow joggers. But I notice that there are a lot of really loud trucks out, with honking horns, smog, and not another jogger in site. Still confident, I actually decide to take the long way there.

Well I cross the bridge over the interstate and I realize I’m on 1st street and have to make it to 8th.  All of a sudden this trip isn’t seeming like such a good idea.  It’s loud and stinky, and full of weird looking people who keep asking to see my baby (I had a blanket over the stroller to protect her from the stinch and noise).  Plus I’m at 4th street and completely exhausted!  I’m not even at Publix yet, and am already dreading the walk home!

I begin to toy with the idea of calling Shaun.  I go back and forth between ‘You can do it’ and ‘No you can’t.’

Finally the ‘no’s’ won.  I called Shaun at 6th street and asked him to come get us.  He laughed hysterically.  I started to cry.  He apologized and came to rescue me!

Sometimes the ‘road less traveled’ is less traveled for a reason. I think for now I’ll stick to the scenic route!

Oh ME of little faith May 4, 2009

So I know I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks.  It really sucks too because my blog traffic had gotten really high (for me anyway), and now it’s down to nil.  It’s just been really busy around here lately.  Pastor “Big Time” has been conferencing and speaking all over the place, and I’ve been following him around riding his coattails

I’ve missed a couple of family night posts.  I would try to make them up, but I’ll probably never get to them.  So I’ll just start over again with tomorrow’s family night post.  We plan to celebrate Cinco de Mayo Kingteam style.

For today though, I just want to blog about something AMAZING that happened in the life of Courageous Church.  Last Thursday Shaun sent out one of his many mass emails.  This one was about the need to raise $5000 for the down payment on a suite in the building where we hold services we’re hoping to renovate and use for many things like office space, and children’s ministry on Sunday morning. I actually rolled my eyes when I read the email and thought ‘there he goes again pulling stuff out of his rear (except I didn’t think “rear” exactly).

Now Shaun is famous for the BIG dreams and goals he sets.  We’re complete opposites in this.  I tend to think in more practical terms which I’m starting to see actually means small terms.  Most of what he sets out to do I pretty much count out and deem impossible.

Well he and God have proved once again that I AM SO LAME! I didn’t think there was anyway we’d get $5000 by today.  I’ve been planning our expanded children’s ministry for this magical date when the suite would be renovated and we could host more children than the conference room we currently use allows.  But I thought it would take months b/c once again I’m lame and still limit what God can do.  And I also limit Shaun’s ability to search God’s heart and follow His plans.  He does this with a confidence I lack, and respect.

Friday after sending the mass email appeal, Shaun received an email from a man whose family had visited the Courageous Church a week ago.  He said he had a donation he wanted to give to the church but wanted to hand it to Shaun in person.  Of course me being me -I didn’t think much of it.  We meet all types of weird and crazy people.  I assumed this was another one of those.

You can guess where this is going….Shaun had breakfast with the man and he handed him over two checks: One for the church in the amount of $10,000!!! And one for our family (not for $10,000, but for an amount that helped and was sorely needed).  Who just forks over $10,000?  I tell you who- a man who has money but whose money doesn’t have him.  Now it might not sound like much to some people.  Especially if your church is big and well established.  But ours isn’t.  It’s small and new.  No million dollar budgets over here.

I think God’s wondering how many times He has to allow me to be on the edge of a cliff before I’ll trust that He’s got a parachute, a plane, or more rock to rescue and/or sustain me?  I mean seriously.  I’ve had to trust Him sooo many times.  And God has ALWAYS been there…ALWAYS.

When the odds were long (a C average student getting into Spelman College), when the way seemed dim (ok baptist preacher language there) and we didn’t know which way to go (Shaun losing a job-or multiple jobs actually , when we needed a miracle (the car accident, Kendi’s illness earlier this year)..God has NEVER forsaken us.

I’m going to work harder on trying God at His word and trusting Him for BIG things…because He’s certainly a BIG God!

Oh, and Shaun took the check to the bank and verified the funds…it’s all legit

Date Night April 19, 2009

Since starting the church and having Savannah, Shaun and I have been lucky enough to get a date night once a week.  Every Thursday night for the past month and a half we have gone somewhere alone (well as alone as we can get these days- Savannah is always with us).

I REALLY look forward to these dates.  It’s the only time we get to talk to each other without Ezekiel screaming and crying and without the girls fussing and fighting.  We catch up on all types of things…

he’ll be like, “oh by the way did I tell you…”

and I’m like “no way, can’t believe you didn’t tell me that”‘

and he’ll say “that’s right I started to but then”…(fill in the blank-a kid cried, Savannah pooped, etc, etc).

We’ll do this back and forth all night, realizing that we really don’t get to talk but for maybe a total of 30 minutes every day and most of that is probably kid stuff.

Sooooo, I said all that to say that WE LOVE DATE NIGHT!!!

This week we took a stroll in a shwanky part of Atlanta known as Virginia Highlands.  We walked down about 2 blocks and visited the cutest little stores and shops I’ve ever seen.  I fell in LOVE with this place and wished we could live there sooo bad!!!  It’s the most perfect little neighborhood.  It’s something right out of a sweet little movie-where people walk their dogs, kids ride their bikes, music plays in the background and a bell rings every time the door to a cute little shop opens.

Anyhow, here are some pictures!

First we went to Alon’s bakery.  It was such a quaint place.  I got a cherry muffin.  Shaun had a slice of apple cake.  But the best was the marbled pound cake we took home.

Shaun eating his apple cake.  So much fun to eat dessert first!

Then we drove down the street a little.  I was teasing him in this pic b/c he had to get out of the car to let me parallel park. (He taught me to drive when I was 16.  Now I’m better than him).

This is us having dinner at some place called Highlad Tap.  It’s an underground restaurant that offered a lot of privacy.  And they have the best burger I’ve ever had!!! (except Shaun’s grilled turkey burger)

This is a picture of our appetizer.  It was bar-b-que shrimp over conrbread….yummmoo!  It was sooo good.

And this is a picture of Savannah She’s such a good girl.  She pretty much sleeps through all of our dates.

We also visited an ‘artful food‘ shop that sold all manor of strange food, but was very pretty. And also a gift boutique that mostly sold unique gifts for kids (mostly girl stuff).  Of course I bought something for the girls (the best little dress up doll that came with fabric and patterns to make her clothes).  We even found something fun for the little man.

This was my favorite date so far.  These times are so important for us.  They make room for the days (like today) when we don’t get along so well

Kingteam Family Night- Spring! April 16, 2009

This is over a week late.  We’ve already had another once since this.  I will make this short and post the other in a couple of days.

Our theme was spring.  Here’s what we did:

We made rice krispy treats shaped like easter eggs.  Never made them from scratch before…easy and yummo!

Then we dipped them in chocolate.

Then we rolled them in sprinkles!  Everything about sprinkles makes kids happy!

Ezekiel kept stealing the sprinkles off of the krispy treats.

Finished product.  We set these in the fridge to set.  Man, they were too good! I ate waaay to many.

Next, we planted organic cucumber seeds into an egg carton.  Once they sprout you’re supposed to be able to separate the egg holders and put them directly into the ground.  Don’t think we did such a good job w/water and soil.  It’s been over a week, and so far, nothing yet.

We sat down to dinner and read scripture about Easter.  Sometimes we assume that because our kids go to church they understand all the different stories of the bible and “holidays” associated with them.  But I realized that Kendi had the Christmas story (Jesus’ birth) and the Easter story (His resurrection) mixed up. Shaun also taught us how the Easter bunny and Easter eggs came to be a part of the tradition.

I hid eggs and everyone had to find one.  Even Shaun got in on the action!

Once they found their eggs, everyone got a prize.  Eze and Shaun got bubbles in the shape of a duck (Eze’s ended up spilled all over his bed).  Kendi and Tae go hot cocoa mix with chocolate pieces and pastel colored marshmallows.

Educational, and tasty….And fun was had by all!

Community April 14, 2009

Wow! I just left a meeting with a really nice couple who are looking for childcare for their youngest son. I just had the idea yesterday to keep 1 or 2 kids in my home so that I could generate a bit of income and still be with my own kids. And out of nowhere (well Craigslist actually) I’ve already hooked up with this family and their little boy will start tomorrow.
They just moved here from out of state  to open a new hotel in downtown Atlanta. It seems they didn’t know many people, and childcare in this area is OUTRAGEOUS!!   The mother is a mom of 4 just like me, and was a bit apprehensive about leaving her baby boy with a stranger (who wouldn’t be).   Plus I’d be introducing someone new into my home and was a little apprehensive myself.   After emailing back and forth a few times and checking out each other’s internet pages, we decided to meet.
I was surprised at how easy going we were with one another. It was almost like we were already girlfriends who could have talked forever about this and that. And our boys played together right away.
It got me thinking about the idea of community. And how when God has destined certain people to be in one another’s lives, things like distance, time, or familiarity don’t even matter.
I am so happy to be able to put this mother at ease and care for her precious little boy during this time of transition for she and her family. We all need each other and are at our best when we step outside of our comfort zones and embrace new people and new opportunities.